This is hard. A 13-year-old isn't a little child anymore, but isn't an adult either. At 13 they're working hard to become the adult they're going to be, and because of that there's a LOT of friction.
As parents, we need to strike a balance between maintaining our authority and family order (rules, discipline), and allowing our young people to become the individuals God has made them to be.
With a younger child, you are in authority because you are the parent. With an older child, they have to be willing to submit to your authority. This is something that is much easier if they already have the habit of submitting to you from their younger years, but if you've been butting heads his entire life (as I assume from your "strong willed" comment), he hasn't done anything willingly. Ever.
IMHO, your job will be to 1) pray, and 2) help him make the right, God-honoring decisions for his life, including continuing to live under your authority until he's grown, and 3) continue praying.
Also, IMHO, the worst thing you can do is try to force your authority on him. He will only rebel, making things much worse. Keep in mind he is no longer a child - treat him as a young, inexperienced adult. Expect him to be able to make adult decisions and take adult consequences. (Within the confines of his age - a 13 yo's consequences should look very different from an 18 yo's consequences). Give him adult responsibilities (perhaps setting his own bedtime on weekends - making it clear he's expected to be responsible for his commitments in the morning too, such as getting up for church on time) and help him make adult choices with much input and discussion from you.
This is the age to be honest with your son - not to the point of revealing the intimate details of your younger years, but sharing some of the struggles and accomplishments you had when you were his age. Let him know you understand what he's going through - even though he'll say you can't understand.
Let him earn your trust in little things, and then trust him with bigger things.
And do devotions with him - Elisabeth Elliot's "The Mark of a Man" is a book I used with my boys. Their father spends other time with them - discussing theology, politics, etc.
I know I haven't given you a quick fix answer, but there isn't one. Of course, while you work on the big picture, you must insist that he follow the family rules and respect you (especially if there are younger siblings around) - but it goes two ways. You must respect him, too.
A thirteen year old longs for the same unconditional love you gave him when he was three. Remember toilet training? And the entire gallons of milk spilled on the floor? And eating the dog food? Draw on the same God-given patience and love you had then.
Oh, and hormones. Don't forget to take raging hormones into account. Give him a LOT of outdoor activity. At this age my boys went camping every month (year around) with their Boy Scout troop. That helped immensely with the urge to do Big Things.
And I just realized I've been addressing this as if your child is a boy, but you didn't say. The same advice goes for girls, too, except they also benefit from godly older girls who are willing to share their lives with them. Girls need friends - we learn more from talking than doing, it seems!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
You can get an idea of the grandeur from this picture of Harney Peak - it's in the distance, in the center of the picture, several miles from us. It's the tallest mountain between the Rockies and the Pyrenees.
Between us and Harney Peak lies the Black Elk Wilderness Area. Acres and acres of Ponderosa Pines (like the ones in the foreground) that inspired the Lakota to call these hills "Paha Sapa".
Yup, you guessed it, paha sapa means "black hills".
You'll find things like this all over the Black Hills - this particular spot is at the back side of Mt. Rushmore.
South of here, on the other side of Mt. Rushmore, the area abounds in mica. I wish I could get a picture to do it justice.
We like to say the Black Hills have "bling". It shines in the sun like shards of broken glass, carpeting the trail and roadsides with sparkles. Sometimes you can pick up a single, translucent layer of rock, tissue-thin, that will crumble to dust between your fingers if you're not careful.
And that's my 6 foot tall, 18-year-old son up there.
Pictures are so limited though, aren't they? They can't do justice to the experience.
You can't hear the wind sighing in the tops of the trees.
Or the ...quiet...
...only disturbed by an occasional bird pecking and scratching at the trees, searching for an early beetle or two.
...or the absolute freshness of clean air...
....air so clean you can see fifty miles.
And you can't feel the spine of the earth under the soles of your shoes as you search for sure footing over the rocks...
But I hope you can catch some of the feeling I get when I look down a trail leading through the forest...
I wonder what's around that bend?
Posted by Jan Drexler at 1:13 PM
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
I’m immersing myself in “Mother Culture”* – a luxury I’m able to give myself now that the children are older. When they were younger, I was only able to devote a few hours a month to it, if that…
As we journeyed together through the children’s grammar and logic stages, my education and interests followed right along with the children.
My education was at the grammar stage.
No matter how old you are that’s where learning starts…
But now, as old as I am, education is taking on new meaning. No longer learning to please others, or to teach others, I find a new freedom in setting my own courses, my own hours.
Building on what I’ve spent the last 12 years teaching…
…Greek, Latin, Theology…
…dabbling in some modern languages…
…memorizing poems and scripture…
…and reading, reading, reading…
This is a wonderful way to spend a few hours a day…pure luxury.
*”Mother Culture” is a term familiar to Charlotte Mason enthusiasts – a term coined and popularized by Karen Andreola. You can find her definition of it here:
Posted by Jan Drexler at 12:22 PM