"How do I Discipline My Strong-Willed 13 Year Old?"

This is hard. A 13-year-old isn't a little child anymore, but isn't an adult either. At 13 they're working hard to become the adult they're going to be, and because of that there's a LOT of friction.

As parents, we need to strike a balance between maintaining our authority and family order (rules, discipline), and allowing our young people to become the individuals God has made them to be.

With a younger child, you are in authority because you are the parent. With an older child, they have to be willing to submit to your authority. This is something that is much easier if they already have the habit of submitting to you from their younger years, but if you've been butting heads his entire life (as I assume from your "strong willed" comment), he hasn't done anything willingly. Ever.

IMHO, your job will be to 1) pray, and 2) help him make the right, God-honoring decisions for his life, including continuing to live under your authority until he's grown, and 3) continue praying.

Also, IMHO, the worst thing you can do is try to force your authority on him. He will only rebel, making things much worse. Keep in mind he is no longer a child - treat him as a young, inexperienced adult. Expect him to be able to make adult decisions and take adult consequences. (Within the confines of his age - a 13 yo's consequences should look very different from an 18 yo's consequences). Give him adult responsibilities (perhaps setting his own bedtime on weekends - making it clear he's expected to be responsible for his commitments in the morning too, such as getting up for church on time) and help him make adult choices with much input and discussion from you.

This is the age to be honest with your son - not to the point of revealing the intimate details of your younger years, but sharing some of the struggles and accomplishments you had when you were his age. Let him know you understand what he's going through - even though he'll say you can't understand.

Let him earn your trust in little things, and then trust him with bigger things.

And do devotions with him - Elisabeth Elliot's "The Mark of a Man" is a book I used with my boys. Their father spends other time with them - discussing theology, politics, etc.

I know I haven't given you a quick fix answer, but there isn't one. Of course, while you work on the big picture, you must insist that he follow the family rules and respect you (especially if there are younger siblings around) - but it goes two ways. You must respect him, too.

A thirteen year old longs for the same unconditional love you gave him when he was three. Remember toilet training? And the entire gallons of milk spilled on the floor? And eating the dog food? Draw on the same God-given patience and love you had then.

Oh, and hormones. Don't forget to take raging hormones into account. Give him a LOT of outdoor activity. At this age my boys went camping every month (year around) with their Boy Scout troop. That helped immensely with the urge to do Big Things.

And I just realized I've been addressing this as if your child is a boy, but you didn't say. The same advice goes for girls, too, except they also benefit from godly older girls who are willing to share their lives with them. Girls need friends - we learn more from talking than doing, it seems!

A Couple of Splendid Lads....

Our two younger boys (ages 16 and 18) both earned their Eagle Scout ranks in Boy Scouts this past spring. A great accomplishment and the pinnacle of their scouting careers – but there’s more than that to being an Eagle Scout. Earning the Eagle Scout rank shows that a boy has what it takes to be a man.

We’re trying hard to raise our boys to be men. It seems like it would be natural – let nature take its course, the hormones will kick in, and then suddenly they’re men, right?

But two things work against that. First of all is our culture. We are a feminized culture where defense of the weak is called violence, schools expect nine year old boys to sit quietly in their seats for six hours a day, organized sports for children downplays competition, churches are led by women. On television our boys see men as idiots, husbands as something to tolerate until you can change them, fathers as clueless. In other words, for a man to be accepted in our culture he has to more like….a woman.

The second thing that works against our boys is their own sin nature. It’s hard to step up to the plate, to work until you’re exhausted, to take charge. It’s scary to accept the role of the spiritual head of the home. It’s so much easier to take the quieter road, the passive road, the….feminine road.

To prize manliness goes against our culture, but that’s what we want for our young men. We want them to get dirty, to know how to lead their peers, to accept the roles God has given them. We want them to take responsibility, to try even when they know they will probably fail, to succeed against all odds. We want them to be the boy with his finger in the dike, Horatio on the bridge, Churchill during the London blitz.

Will earning the Eagle Rank guarantee that our boys will be manly men? No, but it’s a great start.

An Eagle Scout

True to his God and his Nation's Flag,
A boy whose loyalties never sag.
An adventurous sort of a rough, tough lad,
He'd share with anyone, all that he had.
He's cheerful and good, and he's filled with fun,
He always helps till the work is done.
No loafer is he, this young man with skill,
With his disciplined heart, mind and will.
He camps and cooks, he hikes and climbs,
He can sing a song or make a verse that rhymes.
He's a splendid youth with a lifetime goal,
He's the type of boy who's in control.
There's no better young man in this great land,
Than an Eagle Scout with a helping hand.

Kinder-gardening: The Gentle Art of Raising Adults

Parenting is an adventure, it’s a quest, it’s a great undertaking - and most of us face those first few days scared out of our wits. Very few of us feel well prepared and equipped when we become parents for the first time! My dear husband remembers that first day home from the hospital with our oldest – “They just let us take him home. What were they thinking?”

But parenting is also a calling – whether our children come to us through birth, adoption or less desirable circumstances (like friends of mine who are raising their grandchildren), we are called by God to this task. Answering the call to the best of our ability is our duty – to neglect it is unthinkable.

In the last 25 years, I’ve developed a theory of child rearing. I call it “The Green House Method of Raising Adults”. What gives me the confidence to share it with you now is that space of 25 years – I’ve had time to not only develop the method, but to watch it play out in four young lives and to see the results as we reach the end of our child rearing years. The whole idea is that raising adults is much like raising plants in a garden – thus the title of this blog entry.

But before we go on, I have to clarify what I mean by “raising adults.” One thing that my husband and I have had foremost in our thoughts for the last 25 years is that when you discuss raising something, you talk about the end product. We raise lettuce, or tomatoes. When we plant seeds we speak of planting radishes, not little round pebbles. We’ve always had the end results of our labors in mind – not old children, but responsible, mature adults.

The “Green House Method” takes what I’ve observed and practiced in gardening and applies it to children. When you raise tender plants, like tomatoes, from seed, the last thing you want to do is to place those seeds directly into the garden. You plant them inside, nurture the little plants, slowly “harden them off” so they can survive in the larger garden, and then finally transplant them in the garden. But even after all that, you don’t abandon them – you cover them if frost threatens, you water them on dry days, you remove invasive weeds, and you carefully watch and celebrate their progress.

When you raise tender human souls, you go through the same process. My next three blog entries will elaborate on the process – I hope you will enjoy reading through the entire series!